


With My Body I Thee Worship

by euromagpie



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M, a bit of angst but ALSO A LOT OF FLUFF, dont say i never do anything for you, perceived inadequacy, this hurt to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-04
Updated: 2016-08-04
Packaged: 2018-07-29 09:57:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7679911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euromagpie/pseuds/euromagpie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When their traditional Vulcan wedding plans go awry, Bones and Spock have a difficult conversation at night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	With My Body I Thee Worship

The trip back to their home on the outskirts of ShiKahr was conducted in silence. On the shuttle, Spock was typing something on his PADD, probably some kind of lesson plan for his VSA class. Beside him, Bones couldn’t bring himself to do any of his own outstanding paperwork, couldn’t bring himself to _concentrate_. The priestess’ words circled around in his head like a pack of hungry vultures.

 

_“It is impossible.”_

_“Huh? What’s that supposed to mean?” He’d asked angrily, Spock watching the proceedings calmly._

_The priestess, not T’Pau, looked at him, unimpressed._

_“Your mind is scarred, Makkoi. The human brain is not equipped to deal well with psychic damage, and most especially not from a technique like kae’at klasa. The damage to your mind is such that a marriage bond is non-sustainable. To proceed lends a high chance of your death.”_

_Bones had been in shock for the rest of the visit, heart heavy. As they had been leaving the clinic, the priestess had lifted her hand in the Vulcan salute._

_“I grieve with thee.” She had said to Spock._

_“I grieve with thee.”_

When they arrived home after the shuttle, they unpacked their bags in silence. They had dinner in silence. Bones showered alone, in silence, then switched with Spock. He went to their bedroom and got into bed – this was usually where he would have a small drink and maybe read for a bit, but his mind seemed drained, is thoughts heavy. He simply lay down, back to the middle of the bed, and stared at the dim form of his bedside table, light shadows against dark in the fading twilight. He heard the sonic shower stop, then shortly after he felt the bed dip behind him.

“Leonard.”

Spock wanted to talk now, it seemed. Tough luck, Bones didn’t. He ignored him.

“Leonard.”

He didn’t pretend to be asleep – Spock could tell he was awake. Normally Spock respected his desires not to talk at times.

“Doctor.”

Not this time, apparently. He normally didn’t call Bones ‘doctor’ unless they were in a professional setting. Bones sighed.

“What?” He snapped. He’d probably feel bad about that in the morning, but right now he just wanted to sleep. Not to talk, or to think, or to _feel_ , just…sleep.

Instead, he felt a hand gently brush the space between his tense shoulder blades.

“You are upset. What troubles you?”

“How observant. The hell do you think is bothering me?” Bones asked bitterly. He knew, he _knew_ , it wasn’t Spock’s fault in any way, but he couldn’t help but lash out.

“If I knew, I would not ask.” Came Spock’s reply.

_Fine_.

Bones rolled over angrily, glaring at Spock’s face, features smooth but for a small furrow on his brows, like lightning ploughing through a field. The concern didn’t soothe Bones, instead somehow flaming the fires of his anger.

“Okay, let’s see, what could it be? Could it be, maybe, _perhaps_ , that we can’t be bonded? Might that be it?”

The furrow deepened.

“As I recall, you were not too enthused about the prospect in the first place.” Spock replied.

Bones at up in bed abruptly.

“Years ago, yeah. But I was ready, I wanted this, for me and for you to- and don’t say this doesn’t bother you, that after so many years, I’m so much more, more _defective_ than we thought.” And there it was; abruptly, the flames were doused and all that was left in Bones was a hole in his soul, filled to the brim with shame and guilt and embarrassment. Suddenly, he couldn’t look at Spock anymore. He grit his teeth and fixed his gaze out of their window, open, looking out across the desert planes to where the glimmering lights of Vulcana Regar could barely be seen on the horizon.

He thought he heard a soft exhalation come from Spock, although that might have just been one of the desert breezes whispering through the halls of the house. The house cooled considerably during the night-time, and Bones absently rubbed his hands together.

Spock’s hands caught his between them, and he dragged his eyes from the dusty navy sky to Spock’s face – in the dark, his face was cast in faceted shadows, but his gaze was still intense.

“It does not _bother_ me.” He said firmly. Bones snorted, but the grip on his hands just tightened.

“It does not bother me, Leonard. My views of you have changed not at all, neither can I say you are defective.”

Bones wanted to pull his hands out of Spock’s grip, but the night really was chilly.

“Now who’s being illogical, huh? As if this isn’t just the icing on the proverbial damaged cake that is called Leonard McCoy.”

A movement in the dark. Spock quirked his head.

“I…do not understand.”

_Hah! Bet that hurt._ Bones rolled his eyes.

“You’re no idiot, Spock. I’m bitter, I’m old, I’m angry, I’m emotional,” he listed each point off as though he was keeping a checklist of faults ready for any such occasion, “I’m irrational, I can’t give you any children, and now I’ve managed to screw up one of the most important aspects of Vulcan relationships. Well done me, a+ spouse right here.”

Except he wasn’t a spouse, was he. Not in Vulcan terms – without a marriage bond, their relationship was nothing short of entirely temporary. Any normal Vulcan courtship would resolve itself into a marriage bond within a year if all participants agreed. And here they were, both agreeing, _wanting_ this, but dragging their feet across the years. First, command structure got in the way; Spock was his superior, so it would be improper to engage in relations. Then Spock’s failed attempt at Kolinahr, Bones’ own depressive episode. Dying, carrying his katra. Time after time their affections got tangled and twisted and pulled this way and that. Now that they had finally unravelled the twisted knot they’d become, _this_ happened.

Bones should get a medal for the amount of relationships he’d screwed up.

“I find none of these to be necessarily flaws. Indeed, a great deal of them are, perhaps you would call them, endearing.” Spock offered. Bones scoffed, and was about to offer a sharp retort about trying to make him feel better, but Spock just shook his head.

“Your emotional capacity is one of your many traits that initially drew my interest, and continues to do so. Your age has no impact on my appreciation of you, for I am only a few years younger than you. Irrationality can at time lend itself to providing much needed, unorthodox solutions to problems. I have no desire for children, and if I did, I would not be adverse to adopting those without a family. As for our current…situation-“

Bones could not help but tense. No matter what Spock said next, he doubted very much it would make any difference.

“-while it did not proceed as expected, I am not disappointed, or otherwise especially perturbed by our situation. While a marriage bond is the Vulcan norm, you, my mate, are not Vulcan. Indeed, half of myself is no more so. It affords me a different perspective in this matter than perhaps my father would have had.”

_Sarek_. Family ties had always played an important part in Bones’ life, from camping with his mother as a boy, sitting in on his father treating wounds in his small clinic, _Joanna_ , and catching small fish with his step-brother in the creeks near his old home, to his found-family aboard the Enterprise; Jim, who was like a brother himself, Chapel who was like the twin he’d never had. He’d even tried to be on good terms with Jocelyn’s parents, although ever since he’d turned up for their first date covered up to his knees in mud after slipping into a pot-hole on the way, that relationship had never improved, turning outright hostile after the divorce. Sarek and Amanda were in many ways even more intimidating than his previous parents-in-law; Amanda, although gentle and elegant, had a no-nonsense vibe around her that made Bones want to constantly brush invisible lint off his clothes around her. Sarek was what Bones had always imagined Surak to be like – traditional, stern and always in control (although the one time he’d mentioned this comparison to Spock, he’d raised an incredulous eyebrow and replied that his father was considered one of the most unorthodox, relaxed Vulcans in the community).

To be honest, Spock’s parents, in their potential new capacity as in-laws, scared the hell out of Bones. Although perhaps this would no longer be a problem now, he thought.

_Oh, Spock was talking again_.

“-fferent perspective allows me to see this; our relationship would be no more advanced through the marriage bond. A bond would have added a different facet to our affair, but I do not believe it could have brought us closer together than we are. You are my husband – if you wish for a formal acknowledgement of this, perhaps me may go to Earth and have an official ceremony there.”

Bones, for the first time in the conversation, looked, really _looked_ into Spock’s eyes. No matter how he looked, he could find no lie there, as uncharacteristic as that would have been of Spock in the first place. Truthfully, he hadn’t expected Spock to leave him over this, but he would have expected _some_ kind of resentment, or disappointment over this – hell, _he_ was feeling it, and he wasn’t even the one slighted.

“Spock…how is this not _hurting_ you? I’m _damaged_ , my mind is, is _broken_. Even that priestess, she _grieved_ for you, this is how serious this is.” He wasn’t sure what he was trying to achieve. He should be happy, he should leave this alone, lest Spock change his mind. Maybe it was just his pessimistic nature that insisted that Spock hadn’t had time to come to terms with what this meant for them, for _Spock_ , that somewhere in this conversation there was another shoe waiting to drop.

Spock gravely nodded his head.

“I agree; this is a serious situation. I trust then, that you will take my words as a truth in this matter – the state of your mind, however you choose to interpret it, has no impact on our relationship. My care for you is unchanged. For all intents and purposes, we are fully bonded; I will not leave you, you will not leave me. We share affections, and our ability to come to compromises regarding most issues allows our relationship to evolve and remain strong. A bond, whilst normally desired, cannot improve upon us.”

Spock spoke the truth in a rush, like a brook babbling over rocks and stones, words infused with more meaning that could be written down in ten thousand soulful poems tumbled out, and suddenly, spontaneously, it felt like a great weight had been lifted from Bones’ chest.

“It does not matter what the priestess will say, or my father. Our relationship is entirely satisfactory.”

Bones couldn’t help but laugh around the choked feeling in his throat. From Spock, the idea of a relationship being ‘entirely satisfactory’ was the grandest declaration of love he could have made.

“Aww Spock, you’re gonna make me blub.” He teased, the absence of that crushing shame and guilt leaving him light and jovial.

“How exactly does one…’blub’, husband?” Spock teased back. They both knew that Spock knew exactly what ‘blubbing’ was. In the dark, Bones couldn’t stop the grin tugging at his cheeks.

“Hey, Spock. Were you…serious about getting an Earth marriage?” He asked hesitantly after a moment.

“It would be a logical alternative. I also believe that Jim has the power to officiate marriages.”

Bones let out a short bark of laughter at the thought of Jim’s face when they asked him. Of course he’d do it, but Bones knew that they would be teased and needled mercilessly about this for months before (and probably after). He also knew Jim would insist of performing the ceremony on the Enterprise. An image sprung to his mind – the new ship’s chapel (a meaningless title now; the chapel housed every and all different religious marriages and hand-fastenings), the front benches filled up with the old crew: Sulu was a sap for weddings, he’d make an excuse from the Excelsior for this, Chekov, who, Bones was sure, would insist weddings were invented in Russia or something. Uhura and Chapel, who had both been spending a nine month period on an Andorian research station (and who he knew for a fact were both already looking at dresses for their wedding; he’d been subjected to so many comm calls to judge dresses Christine had tried on). Scotty, who was already on the Enterprise anyway. M’Benga he was sure could tear himself away from his Vulcan clinic long enough to attend an old friend’s marriage (although he hoped this time there would be no slapping involved). He’d invite Joanna and the grandkids too, of course. Even the idea that Sarek and Amanda (or at least just Amanda) would be in attendance couldn’t put a dampener on the suddenly very appealing fantasy.

He and Spock would stand at the altar, and Jim would probably blub because he was about twice the sap that Sulu was.

His family. Spock’s family. Their family.

Bones smiled.

Despite the cool night winds blowing through their house, his hands, clasped between Spock’s, felt very warm indeed.

**Author's Note:**

> The wonderful sleepymccoy did a beautiful pic for this fic [here, check it out](http://sleepymccoy.tumblr.com/post/145152157629/youthfulbees-submitted-this-hey-look-i-wrote)


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